I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
