Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
