I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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