This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
