She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
