I'm really into asian looking animals
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
