Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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