I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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