My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
