i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
NoShamevember. You game?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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