You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
