you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize