She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
