Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
