you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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