also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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