just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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