weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
