i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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