does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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