she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
