You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
