Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
