god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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