dude i'm inner monologue high
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your cock deserves a montage
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is my gift to your gina
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
