Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
