He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
did i just pee glitter
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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