you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize