No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
