I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
