Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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