Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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