this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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