I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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