rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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