Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
