You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do vagina's smell?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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