Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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