after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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