DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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