I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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