Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
