dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
