you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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