just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dicks are not precious.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
