I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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