Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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