I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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