Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
