She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
