i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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