I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
