Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
