I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Two words: nipple clamps
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