True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
