Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
