The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
