Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
