Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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