I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
