maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize