Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
