My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
