is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
