dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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