found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A+ Viking dick
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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