Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
