Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
