When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
