He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
