He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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