Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
